Control. When we look at Rembrandt’s famous and dramatic painting Christ in the Storm on the Lake of Galilee, we see two very different approaches to the situation. First, we have the Apostles panicking and trying to control the situation—steering the boat, waking our Lord, giving in to fear. Then, we have our Lord casually sleeping on the cushion. The Apostles desperately grasping for control in all the wrong places and the Son of God peacefully, calmly, and authoritatively actually   in control.

 So often I am like those Apostles, desperately grasping for control and giving into a deeply embedded lack of trust that our Lord has a plan, that He will care for me, and that He IS currently     caring for me. It is to want what I want when I want it. The Apostles wanted to feel safe. I want to suddenly be cured of this sleep disorder that never gives me a break. I want to be able to write when I want to write. How desperately I want to be able to think clearly for just one moment…without any fog, without any sludge, without any weariness. But in that desperation, one does not find faith; one finds a lack of faith, a lack of trust, a lack of friendship with Lord.

I struggle to know what my life will look like once I have accepted this sleep disorder as a gift. Just as the Apostles struggled to see how they were safe with their Lord soundly sleeping  while their sure and sudden demise appeared imminent. That is the beautiful thing about our Lord. He does things differently, He does things better, He makes possible what seems completely contradictory and impossible.
 
Fr. Jeff